No one told me this would happen.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to freeze to death this winter. I realize that 70 pounds is a lot, but since I’ve lost it gradually I didn’t really think that I would miss the extra padding come winter. That is incorrect. I’m ridiculously cold most of the time. I’m not talking just a little chilly—this is horrible and involves shaking and shivering in order to avoid hypothermia even though most of the population is perfectly fine. Shouldn’t global warming be helping me out with this instead of allowing the frigid October air to penetrate my bones?

Not only have I lost layers of warmth (making hibernation a no-go) but the loss of layers of fat messes with estrogen levels, according to my doctor. As a result, my already rebellious eyebrows are growing in at an alarming rate and no amount of waxing, plucking, or apathy has managed to control them. Left untamed my eyebrows would undoubtedly cover the majority of my forehead. I’d say I’m exaggerating except I have photos from high school to prove otherwise—it wasn’t until the age of 17 that I discovered tweezers.

As a result, I am rapidly approaching popsicle status and have to pluck my eyebrows every freaking day until my body gets over itself and adjusts to such things. Till that happens I’m wondering if my coworkers would notice if I came to work with a fluffy blanket and a bag over my head.