And I said I'd never do another one...

Three Sisters Marathon. June 4, 2011.

Suck on that, lungs.

Letter to Me

Dear Self,
It is almost the end of 2010. You really, really need to snap out of it.

You used to be a runner. You used to eat lots and lots of vegetables. You used to be a happy, bubbly, overly enthusiastic person. There is no reason why you cannot get back to that.

I want you to stop feeling like no one will love you. And smile more. And maybe update your blog more regularly.

Quit sucking at life, please and thank you.
Love,
Me

Things I did this holiday weekend.

1. Reverted to my college days, with my college pal Shawna, and was drunk two nights in a row.

2. Sang karaoke. Oh, I love me some Reba.

3. Drank Gatorade.

4. Face planted on a hill while holding hands with Shawna, then laughed for five minutes in attempt to get up.

5. Went sledding at 1 a.m. with strangers in the park across the street.

6. Nicknamed a first year med student "Dr. David" and asked him medical advice, then told people it was his birthday so he could get free drinks. Also lied and told people he was a pediatrician.

7. Laughed.

8. Cried.

9. Decorated for Christmas.

10. Ate turkey, and stuffing, and pie.

11. Caught a cold, which makes chicken soup very necessary right now. Perhaps from all the drinking and playing in the snow?

12. Had a "rugged photo shoot" with Shawna.

13. Had a light saber battle with a three-year-old.

14. Ate chicken strips and gravy.

15. Witnessed a Christmas tree lighting.

16. Spread Christmas cheer.

17. Stayed up all night to Black Friday shop, which was a horrible idea.

18. Baked a pie, and cookies.

19. Made a paper snow flake.

20. Napped.

I just really like these shoes.

Some of my new heroes.

Go here, and be amazed. Sometimes I really love the things I randomly find on the Internet.

Everything is better with glitter.

S is for Saturday... and sweatpants.

I'm at work right now, taking a break from paperwork to write a blog, and wearing my sweatpants. There are benefits to working overtime on the weekend when no one else is here (except for the fact that someone else was here, and saw me dressed like this, which is awkward).

I'm also reading "rockstar diaries" which I am newly obsessed with, drinking coffee, and listening to Carrie Underwood. I'm really bad at working overtime, it seems. All I really want to do is curl up on my lovely purple couch, with my snuggie, and take a nap.

Last night Shawna and I had a bunch of people over for game night, and they were all discussing something that happened to one of their coworkers. It's something that recently happened to me as well, and my heart hurts for this woman. I feel like my heart shouldn't be allowed to hurt, and since our situations are different, I feel guilty for comparing our circumstances at all. But I know on some degree what she is feeling, and I wish that I could take that feeling away for her.

All I could do was sit there, in silence, and be sad inside, but not in a way that I could let other people see. Because I can't allow myself to be sad, or grieve, because I think it was my fault. And I think that no one really gets that.

It's one of those things that I don't think you can really get, until it happens. It's not something I can talk about to people, and although I've told people closest to me (and a few others, just at random), it's not something I can explain or process.

One of my coworkers learned about recent events in my life, and left me a letter in my mailbox at work. All it contained was an essay, with a note at the end that said, "I have been there. And I'm sorry."

It made me burst into tears, and we never talked about it, except when I e-mailed her and said, "Thank you. That meant more to me than you know." She wrote back. "Dude--anytime."

I think she gets it.

Probably, I need therapy. And a hug. And a nap. And my snuggie. But all I have is this stack of paperwork, and my Saturday of hanging out in my office in my sweatpants.

I'll feel better about this someday, right?

F is for Friday

So,I bought a cheap treadmill off of Craigslist. It's terribly loud, and an eyesore in my bedroom, but it works, and it will prevent me from a) sitting on the couch all winter and b) running outside in a blizzard when it starts to snow.

I'm pretty sure my treadmill is going to be my new boyfriend. We're going to spend all sorts of quality time together, and probably watch sitcoms together, and maybe I'll cheat on him with the couch, but he'll always take me back.

Maybe if I tell my coworkers that I have a new boyfriend, they'll stop trying to set me up with every single guy they meet? They don't need to know my boyfriend is a piece of exercise equipment.

I weighed myself the other day, and I cried.

Sometimes that happens.

I did squats and lunges across my bedroom to make my jeans fit today. Damn you, casual Friday!

Tomorrow I'm going to a coworker's wedding, and my date is my 50-year-old female coworker. I'm basing my outfit entirely around my hot pink stilettos. It turns out that not a lot goes with hot pink stilettos.

My life is ridiculous, and so am I.

This must be what heaven is like.

It's all about the outfit.

So, for my b-day, I was gifted a running skirt and sparkly running headband by a very dear friend.

She knows me so well.

The only reason I do anything is for the cute outfits. Fishing? Cute outfit. Hunting? Cute outfit, though orange isn't my color.

I am all about accessorizing.

I fail at blogging lately, so that's my attempt. You're welcome.

Love.

Me: (admiring the "bikini" t-shirt Robin was wearing on a re-run of How I Met Your Mother) I so want one of those shirts.

Shawna: What shirts?

Me: The one Robin is wearing.

Shawna: Oh, cool.

...

Twelve minutes later.

...

Shawna: Leslie, don't you want one of those shirts, didn't you tell me that one time?

Me: Yeah. I just told you that a few minutes ago, actually.

This is my life, people.

Hair.

Oh hey. I went blonde. I feel like my life is just ridiculous lately, so it was totally time for a new hair color.

I told Shawna last night that a year ago I never would have thought I would be blonde, have a tattoo, be 40 pounds heavier, and have gone through all the crap I went through. Life is surprising.

Oh yeah, my pants don't fit right now. Don't judge. It's been a rough few months!

Vote for us!

Go vote here, for the gnome table.

Look, this is our house.

So is this.

You know you love gnomes. And unicorns.

All you have to do is "like" the photo on ReadyMade's page. It's easy! It'll take two seconds during your busy schedule of Facebook stalking!

Thank you.

Why I run...

Last night, I remembered some things about being me. I decided to go for a run, mainly because I obligated myself to run a 5k on December 4 (thanks, Gabe and Chelse, otherwise I would have sat on the couch). For the first time in awhile, I felt like myself again.

Over the past few months, I've had some serious roadblocks when it came to running. Sometimes it was physical pain, sometimes it was emotional pain, sometimes it was just the inability to motivate myself. I let myself fall into the trap of not caring enough about myself to be healthy, and feeling like I wasn't worth much. That's not a place I would like to be again.

So I set out last night, on a pleasant evening with cool fall temperatures. Leaves are changing so I was surrounded by oranges and reds, and a pretty sunset. My feet hit the pavement in rhythm, and for 4 miles, I was able to just be me. And I was happy.

I've tried to experiment with group running events, and running with friends, and while I enjoy it, for some reason it just isn't the same as a run by myself where I have time to think. Last night I thought about love, and loss, and how even if I don't feel anything ever again to the degree that I felt previously, at least I am capable of loving that much. I thought about work, and the raise I got yesterday, and what color to paint my toenails, and about how I measure my feelings for a guy by the amount of tingling I feel in my toes when he kisses me. And how that's probably why I should change the way I choose which men to allow in my life. I thought about pumpkins, and how my pants don't fit except for one pair, and how I'm kind of okay with that right now since at least I have been able to get out of bed and go to work. I thought about cowboys, and cocktails, and about how much I love Katy Perry lately. I listened to breakup anthems, and silently thanked Keith Urban for ever recording the song "Stupid Boy." I thought about friendship, and how I'm glad I have people in my life that will send me lists of songs I should listen to while I'm feeling this way, because it really does help. I thought about making drastic hair decisions and how I should probably do something reckless, because if I'm going to be reckless, now is the time to do it. Mostly, I just thought.

Before I knew it, 4 miles had flown by. And I felt stronger than I have in awhile. I felt more like me--and that is why I run.

Wednesday.

I have been watching more episodes of "Weeds" than can ever be good for a person. Soon, however, I will be done with all the seasons that are on the instantly watch section of Netflix. And normal life shall resume.

This weekend I am hosting a bachelorette party and going to Roloff Farms (the pumpkin patch owned by the people on "Little People, Big World"). I know, you're jealous.

Stress relief

Picture this hypothetical situation: You had a rough day at work, perhaps hit your knee on a table edge during a staff meeting... but not in a normal way, in a way that almost made you instantly vomit from pain and come very close to saying, "FUCK" in front of all your coworkers. Just close, mind you. Now your knee is completely doubled in size because it's so swollen, and you think perhaps you're the clumsiest person ever. Now imagine that you are overwhelmed by life, and completely disillusioned by the male race, and really just generally in a pissy mood.

Never happened to you? Yeah, me neither.

But if it had (completely hypothetically) happened to me, and maybe if I couldn't go for a run tonight because I cannot even really walk at the moment, I would have several solutions for this grumpy day.

Solution one:



Beer. Sessions Black Lager. Be still my heart! Also, first pomegranate of the season!!! BOO YAH!

Did I really just say boo yah about a piece of fruit?

Solution two:



That's right, purple sweatpants that are so comfortable it's like you're not wearing pants! And perhaps the t-shirt from your very first 5k, which is old and worn, and possibly stained due to a horrific tomato soup cooking incident in which you burned your tits with pureed tomatoes? That hasn't happened to you either?

...

Yeah, me either.

And finally, solution three:



Pizza dough. Used to make your roommate dinner, while drinking a beer. Because somethings, a girl just needs to punch something. And today that something is a ball of dough.

Teamwork

Shawna and I should not be allowed to play Super Mario Bros together, in the Wii version where two players go through the course together. There was yelling, and each of us killed the other one at some point by going too far ahead.

Clearly, it's beneficial to both of us that we work so well together as roommates. We just can't go on missions to rescue cartoon princesses, that's all.

Just dance, bitches!

You may have heard that Shawna bought a Wii. You may have also heard that she purchased "Just Dance" and pre-ordered "Just Dance 2."

She's been making me play it continuously. It's getting a little ridiculous how much we love that game, to the point that I swear I woke up last night and was dancing in my sleep.

My arm hurts a little.

Sometimes I find myself singing the songs and doing the dance moves while sitting at my desk.

One can only imagine the trouble that "Just Dance 2" will bring when it arrives on Thursday.

In other, completely random news:
1. A very good friend has started doing the Couch to 5k plan, and he and I are going to do a local Jingle Bell Run on December 4. He is marrying my heterosexual life mate, so she will be sitting on my stoop cheering us on, hopefully drinking coffee with Irish Creme and Kahulua in it. It's only appropriate. I am very proud of him! And also, that gives me a reason to run, so that I can keep up with him, haha.

2. I like... LOVE Katy Perry all of a sudden. She has overwhelmed my generic mp3 device that I am using to run with (RIP ipod), and I find her glorious. I may have kissed a cowboy in a bar on Friday night while her song "Teenage Dream" was playing, so now that song makes me laugh every time. Holy rebound, and also, I should really not drink anymore, ever again. This time I really mean it when I say I am adopting spinsterhood!

3. WTF is with all the celebrity couples breaking up lately? Courtney Cox and David Arquette? Christina Aguilera and the guy she married whose name I don't know? Is there no hope for celebrity people to stay married?

4. Speaking of Christina Aguilera... go youtube the preview of "Burlesque." Christina. Cher. Sparkles. Musical numbers. Why yes, yes I will be seeing that.

5. Also, speaking of movies (I swear there was a logical transition between all of these topics in my head), "Easy A" is hilarious and I kind of love Emma Stone. Mainly because I have had this exact sort of situation in my very own life:


6. I just really, really love unicorns.

Small Town Saturday Night

So, Shawna and I are awesome. This is how we spend our evenings together. We're the best single women in our 20s ever, basically.







Mmmm.... pineapple curry. And Nintendo Wii. And pumpkin fro-yo. It's like Halloween on your tongue.

I am alive.

Dear blog, you’ve heard it before: I’m a lazy son of a gun. I have not written to you in the longest time, but know that you are always on my mind… just like Georgia.

Leslie and I had some tough summers, and we are trying to settle into changes that have occurred in our lives. Hers may have been more heartbreaking, but I had some unhappiness as well which I don’t feel comfortable posting on the interwebs. Anyway, here is fall, and I am happy for it to be here with all of its leaves and cider and Halloween costumes. (BT-Dub, Leslie and I are going to be Ghostbusters this year. Frick yes!)

As you know, Leslie and I always enjoy a writing a good list, so here are the things that are making me excited right now:

1. The book Zombies vs. Unicorns. It was pretty much written with our interests in mind.
2. My new Wii. I pre-ordered "Just Dance 2," and it is released in three days. I CANNOT WAIT!
3. Black nail polish I keep peeling off my nails.
4. Going to visit the Roloff farm in a couple weeks with Leslie and Nike.
5. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows midnight showing!
6. Polar Plunging with "Team Apocalypse... We've all been there" as a gang of Buffys (or is it Buffies).
7. Finding an opportunity to wear Leslie's and my newly acquired unicorn costume. It's brilliant.

So, yeah, there's some good stuff I'm looking forward to right now. Yeah fall!

If you weren't jealous of us before...

Shawna and I went to see "Evil Dead: The Musical" last night. We had front row splatter seating. I know, right?

I suggest you all find a local production and go see it immediately. It was a glorious experience.

It's totally not weird that we spend our Thursday evenings doing that, right? Tongight we are having a Michael Jackson dance party! It's normal, our lifestyle, I think.

Go watch the video. It will change your life immediately.

Um, whatever.

I'm tired of being depressed. I think I'm starting to annoy myself. The couch and I are spending too much time together, and I think our relationship needs a little time and space. I'm all for time with comfy sweatpants, the couch, and a season of "Weeds" (how have I not discovered that show earlier?) but I think I'm starting to get a little ridiculous.

You know how people will tell you, "You won't be given more than you can handle. You were given so much to deal with because you're a strong woman." I want those people to shut the f up, or let me punch them in the face. The events of the past couple months of my life were both devastating and unexpected, and I know I can handle it, but I certainly don't think any of it was necessary.

I had my heart broken. I had some bad doctor's appointments. I suffered a loss and I'm not sure how I should grieve. But I'm still here.

I mentioned to a friend I hadn't talked to in awhile that I had some serious mileage to put on my running shoes, cause that's when I do my best thinking and am able to clear my head. Now I'm realizing maybe that's the problem... I found this activity that I enjoy, that allows me time to myself, and that has helped me get through some tough situations. Now, because of my lung issue earlier in the summer, and because of various (and more recent) medical issues that we won't discuss, that has been taken away from me for a period of time.

But I'm fine now. I have two legs, and two feet, and two healthy lungs. What's stopping me? Currently, nothing. The running shoes and I, we will be reunited. I'll take my time to think, and grieve, and just be present in that moment where my feet are hitting the pavement steadily.

I need to recognize the positive instead of the negative. I have a kickass job, great friends, an awesome family, and a bottle of wine in my fridge. I can bounce back, if I put my mind to it.

Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts Official Video

This is my new breakup anthem. I dig it. I've found that having a breakup anthem is helpful... last time I had my heart broken, I found myself listening to "Don't Let Me Stop You" by Kelly Clarkson quite a lot.

Ah, life.

Who am I?

A year and two days ago, I ran the Portland marathon.

Yesterday I spent my evening on the couch with some chicken strips. The night before, I ate f-oreos and cheez-its and found myself, again, on the couch.

I think the couch and I are becoming a little too close. The problem with wallowing, and being in the depths of despair, is that I'm really, really good at sitting on the couch. I'm all about chicken strips and f-oreos, I just typically like to think that I choose to balance them out with healthy meals and lots of activity. That's not so much the case lately. It would appear I am not doing so well with operation super hotness. Whoops. Time to restart my mission!

The problem is that it's really, really difficult to not feel like I'm in the depths of despair lately. Darn it.

Happy Anniversary!

Shawna and I forgot our roommate-iversary. We're so lame. (Oddly enough, today is the year anniversary of when I started my new job!)

Here are the things we enjoy about our life together:
1. Buying f-oreos (fake Oreos) and eating them with milk. The fake ones absorb the milk better!
2. Hugging each other as hard as we can to see if it freaks our neighbor out.
3. High-fiving each other twice.
4. Watching glorious television such as "Veronica Mars" and "Buffy"
5. Waxing our lips. But not our nether regions. Lesson learned.
6. Late night conversations and dance parties.
7. Collection unicorns.
8. Dressing up in costume for nights on the town... or any reason, really.
9. Discovering the karaoke channel.
10. Watching "How I Met Your Mother" and fantasizing about Neil Patrick Harris, who is clearly going to become straight and will want to be our boyfriend immediately.
11. Fascinations with things such as polygamy. "Big Love" anyone?
12. Not caring that the world thinks that we are most likely lesbians, when really we just plan to be like the "Golden Girls" and eat cheesecake. If we were really married, don't you think we would have registered for a magic bullet by now?
13. Farting. You know you're very good friends when you get to a point that you can do that in front of each other (but not ON each other, which Shawna fails to recognize at times).
14. Crafting a home that resembles a carnival... It's like living a life of magic.
15. Road trips!
16. Costco, and all the lovely things it brings us, like giant bags of spinach, frozen burritos, and giant bottles of champagne.
17. 44 ounces of soda from Sonic. Hello, happy hour.
18. Payday sushi. Yes, we have a date night, every payday, where we eat sushi.
19. Being awesome.

Now, a photographic tour of our lives together...

October goals!

I kind of forgot it was a new month... I had these goals in September:

1. Run. Just run. When I want to, where I want to, at my pace. Get back to being the person that I was before, who would run for stress relief and didn't care what other people thought about her pace or ability.

Yeah, that needs work. I'm trying!

2. Financial plan--get one. People in their late 20's should be more financially responsible than I am.

Still working on that one too.

3. Get healthy. I don't care how much I weigh, I just don't feel right at the moment. Eat better, drink water, limit post-breakup cocktails.

The problem is that I really, REALLY like post-breakup cocktails. Again, a work in progress.

4. Brush my hair at least once a week. The curly look is okay, but I feel like I should look more professional and less like I'm an airhead who doesn't own a hairbrush.

I got a haircut, does that count?

5. Do not cry on my birthday. Repeat: Do. Not. Cry. I am not really having an easy time, and I cry a lot, and I just feel like that's a day that I should not be sad.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! One out of five, I guess? Let's try those again for October, but I'll change number 5 to "Must drink more water." Hydration is important.

9 weeks

Little things make me feel a twinge lately. A little glimmer of heartache creeps into my every thought, a little pang of worry is always there, and a tiny piece of me was frozen forever in a time when I didn't have to feel this way.

It's hearing that others have reached a milestone that I could have been at. It's wondering what I could have done differently. It's wondering if I'll ever get a chance to do things the right way. It's seeing people I care about going through major life events and wondering if it will ever be me. Or if I'm being punished. Or what I did to deserve the things that have been happening to me.

I can't explain how I feel to anyone. Once upon a time, I used to be a writer, and I can't even write about this... So this is my attempt to let some of it out, to put it into words and see if it helps.

In the past two years, I have had a lot of major events happen. I left my career, and I thought I would never recover from the fear that caused me to flee. Still, I made it, and I found a new career, but the memory is still there. I still think about those terrifying minutes that changed my life when I'm doing something so innocent as watching a scary movie with Shawna. I still have nightmares sometimes. I think I have bounced back, but I still hold something from that time period inside of me and always will.

This year, I found myself without the person I thought would love me forever. Even worse, I lost something I didn't know I had, and I don't really know how I should let that affect me. Everyone goes through breakups, sure, but this summer was about so much more than just a breakup. Instead of holding memories inside of me, I feel like a part of me is gone now. A few moments made me lose a tiny piece of my heart--it's like it was patched together to begin with, probably with duct tape, and now a little corner has crumbled off. What happened before wasn't anything I had a choice in, but this feels like it's my fault. If I could have done something differently, he wouldn't have left. If I had been more careful, I wouldn't be going through the things I am going through right now.

I've been told that I don't deserve the things that are happening to me lately, but part of me thinks that I do. That if I were more caring, more compassionate, more something... Perhaps people think I should be moving on and in a different place in life already, but I can't tell people the parts of the story that might explain why I'm stuck. Why there is a tiny piece of me missing forever.

The way that I am feeling lately is about so much more than just losing a boyfriend. It's about a type of loss I had never felt before, and being completely broken, and letting something affect my spirit so much that sometimes I'm not sure that I know how to fight my way back. It's difficult, trying to be a woman, especially when most of the time I still feel like a girl. But now I have those little pinpricks of emotion to remind me that a singular event aged me in ways I cannot explain. My shoulders droop a little more, my eyes are a tiny bit bluer after crying for hours, and forever there will be this thing that makes me remember what could have been. This summer was a season that changed me in ways that I can't take back.

I guess there will always be a twinge.

Brrrrr....

We're plunging again!

Picture this, friends: a team of people dressed up as characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, plunging into icy cold waters, all in the name of raising money for the Special Olympics.

It's "Team Apocalypse... We've All Been There!"

If you don't get that reference, e-mail me, we need to talk.

Kindly click here to donate if you'd like!

Stuff and things

I have a doctor's appointment that I am not looking forward to tomorrow (like, more than I can even tell you), so in attempt to distract myself, I feel I should mention several things that make me happy.

1. Angry girl music and breakup anthems by the likes of Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, and Taylor Swift. Love it.
2. Pumpkin spice lattes.
3. Tomato soup, which I shall attempt to make myself tonight with tomatoes from my parent's garden.
4. Purple sweatpants.

I also just read an article on CNN about how heartbreak really does make your heart skip a beat. I KNEW I wasn't making that shit up when I thought my heart stopped for a second! Even now, I am still at a point where I don't feel whole. I feel like a piece of me is missing, and I don't feel like myself. Luckily, I have lots of kickass people around me. And my running shoes. And a Snuggie.

BIRTHDAY!

Yesterday, I turned 26.

I did not cry, at all, during the whole day. I was pleased. It actually a super fun birthday, even though I recently found out some info that temporarily put me back into the depths of despair. Whatever. IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY, BITCHES!

First, I went camping for the weekend at the coast with my heterosexual life mate. It was excellent weather, until the second night when a storm hit. Both our tents leaked, and we wandered away from our campsite for the day on adventures. When we returned, my tent had blown into the next camp site. And flooded. And the dish soap we brought was in a bag inside my tent. Let's just say... there were bubbles.

Chelse is the type of friend that knows what I am thinking when I don't have to say it, and she got me an excellent birthday gift that reminded me just how super cool she is. It was a good vacation.





Upon my arrival home, Shawna and I traveled with our neighbor to the local fro-yo joint, where we FREAKING SAW MATTHEW FOX. Yes. He was there. I saw him. It was the best birthday EVER.

Then, I dressed up crazy and had a dance party. And played pool. And drank... a lot.






Probably, I should be embarrassed to be me. But I'm not. Also, they gave me a Snuggie. It is awesome, and I am all set for spinsterhood. I also request that you all google "Snuggie Sutra" immediately.



I have to go watch the Britney Spears episode of Glee now. Whatever, my love for Britney Spears is never ending, despite the fact that I am now the ripe old age of 26.

Perspective

I spent the day yesterday volunteering at an event for homeless and needy families in Central Oregon. I had to spend time at a booth for my company, but I also helped out in a couple of the other areas as well.

The thing about my job is that every day I see the effects of recession and job loss, and I see the fear and hopelessness in people's eyes. In my line of work, I sometimes get to help these people. Yesterday there wasn't much I could do besides offer friendly words and do what I was able to help as a volunteer.

At one point I was speaking with an elderly Hispanic man, who told me he's nearing 70 and has worked as a construction laborer and welder for most of his life. He then said, "You know what job I'd like to have? I'd like to write you a song about how pretty you are!" I almost died. I turned bright red, and was laughing my ass off as he continued, "It would be a great song! I've written a few songs in my lifetime, I could sing one for you!" There was nothing I could do but giggle nervously. He and I were speaking in Spanish, so my non-Spanish speaking co-worker looked at me like I was a crazy person (or a tomato). He did sing one song for me, also.

As I was about to leave, a little girl of about 6 or 7 asked if I would play with her. She was bouncing a balloon around, so we hit it back and forth for awhile, and she thought I was super cool for stopping what I was doing to hang out with her. Her face haunted me all night, because as I came home to my warm, cozy bed I couldn't help but wonder if she and her family had a place to sleep that night, or if they were out on the street in the rain.

It's tough, my job. But it puts things into perspective. No matter how bad things get, no matter how many health scares I have, or how I feel when I find out the ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend already after breaking up with me less than two months ago (yeah, that sucked), I know that I am currently safe. I have a home, I have family and friends who love me. It really could be so very much worse.

A new mission.

Operation: Super Hotness. Day 1.

So, there's this thing. The people who introduced me to the ex-boyfriend? They're getting married. In a year. I'm the maid of honor, and he's also in the wedding party methinks. Holy awkward.

This is my best friend of all time, so clearly I want her to have a fabulous wedding and not have awkwardness. I think a year will give me some time to not feel like I want to cry immediately upon seeing him. The most important thing is that she is happy, and has a wonderful day, and marries her super sweet manfriend and lives happily ever after.

But I also want to look super hot so the ex-boyfriend regrets ever letting me go. Is that wrong?

Probably, this means I should not sit on the couch so much. I should run. And eat vegetables. And get back to being my super awesome self. And make my pants fit again. Also, if my boobs could get bigger, that would be nice, but I know that won't happen.

I'm not going to lie, my summer spent in the depths of despair led to the scale and I getting into an argument recently. When I get stressed out, my ass like to gain a couple sizes. I have a year, and I would like to both feel better about myself and feel healthier than I do right now. Also, I would like to be even more awesome.

I realize I am shallow. I don't care. He can kick rocks. I would just like for him to kick rocks AND realize that he's a douche and never should have let me go. Spite is an excellent motivator for me. I ran a marathon to get over the other ex. I really need to re-think my choice in men, probably.

Is that asking too much?

I have something to say.

It is always an EXCELLENT idea to go for a run that ends at your coworker's house for a glass of wine. Like, seriously. Probably one of my greatest. I have a coworker who reads Tarot cards, and likes to give me wine... Whenever things first went down earlier this summer, he had me over and cards showed up with swords stabbing hearts and whatnot. It actually made me feel much better. So tonight I went for a run and ended it at his house (4 miles later), and he gave me more wine and did a quick reading... It was filled with promise and happy things, which I find pleasant. Last time he basically said, "Yeah, your life sucks right now, but it will get better" and this time he said, "Okay, you're moving forward, that's good. Life won't suck quite as much." There was a guy with a cup and a horse involved, or something.

I'm not sure I believe in Tarot cards, but it's fun to hear what he has to say. Regardless, I DO believe in wine! I'd like to think that things will stop sucking soon. Judging by the fact that I actually made it out the door for a run, and it helped me clear my head, and I've gone whole days without crying (not in a row though, I'm working on that) I think I might be handling things a little better. Apparently I'm not a normal girl, who can just be broken up with and cry a little and be okay. Instead I have to be broken up with, have a health scare, and have crazy other things happen to me alllllll at the same time.

If I do things, I go big.

Yes, I am a little tipsy right now. My point is, today I went for a run. I have gotten out of bed every day. I have gone to work. I have put on a happy face and tried not to let onto too many people what I'm going through. And I think soon I may put on a happy face and it will really be happy. That's what I hope, at least.

Ain't life a bitch?

Hilarious things I said to an old friend while updating her on the past four months of my life:
"Meh. I'm not dead. Or homeless. And I just ate a burrito, so really things are looking up!"
"My doctor is a rude bitch. Actually she's a really nice lady. I feel badly that I said that about her. But she has bad timing!"
"Is it wrong to go for a run and end my run at a coworker's house for a glass of wine? Like... How much does that defeat the purpose?"

I thought I would be so very different at 26. Yes, I know I'm not 26 for two more weeks. I'm rounding up!

This weekend I shall volunteer all day at an event for the homeless. Also, I shall run, and attend a baby shower. You know you're jealous.

I'm off to run... and probably drink wine. Whatever. Don't judge!

Ch-ch-ch-changes....

Shawna and I have decided we are too limited if we say our blog is about fitness and healthy living. Plus, we drink a lot of beer.

So... you may have noticed that we tend to wander, and changed our blog header thingy. This is because we decided our blog would be more suited to be about living life in our late 20's (when did we get so old?) with musings on running and being healthy tied in.

Don't lie, you always knew we get distracted from our topics anyway...

Seriously though, when did we get old? Just yesterday I was in my early 20's.

One bottle of wine later...

Um, I got a tattoo last night.

It wasn't planned. I decided to do it, and ten minutes later needles were being turned on. Let me explain...

In high school, I became friends with an exchange student from the Netherlands. She is hilarious, and I spent the majority of my senior year with her and my friend who went missing at sea a few years ago. I haven't seen her in seven years, but she turned up on my door step without warning this week while she is travelling around the world for a year. I must say, it was impeccable timing given my recent bouts of insanity and crying. She's very entertaining, and quite good at distracting me.

Last night, we drank a bottle of wine and ate some red vines, and in the process we forgot to eat dinner. Then came more wine. Then came a decision to float the river, even though it was super cold, and we took Shawna along with us. There, a drunken idea was born... We decided to get matching tattoos to always remember each other and our friend that went missing. Conveniently, I live a block away from a tattoo parlor. Also conveniently, we were drunk and therefore very spontaneous.

I woke up this morning and was very relieved to find that I still love it, and I'm glad we did it. There are very few friends that would randomly get a tattoo with me, but I'm glad she is one of them.

It didn't hurt that much, either. When the tattoo artist started doing it, I said, "Oh, is that all? I can take that!" She said given the amount of abuse my feet appear to have suffered from running, it looked like I had put them through worse. Ha.

So yes. I'm tattooed. And slightly hungover.

September

I had the following goals in August:
1. Run a 5k in approximately 2 weeks, after convincing my running buddy to join me. For funsies.
2. Run Hood to Coast on August 27 & August 28. 19 miles in 2 days. Do not die while completing said goal, and try not to run 15 minute miles due to lung failure.
3. Bounce back. I don't like being in the depths of despair.
4. Purchase a kickass running skirt. Again, for funsies.
5. Kick butt during the last two months of the Biggest Loser contest with Shawna & co.
6. Feel like myself again.

And the results...
1. Did it. Didn't suck too badly.
2. Did it. Sucked a little, but oh well.
3. Meh. Other stuff happened to add on top of everything else, so I feel like this might take awhile.
4. I forgot about this one, actually.
5. We quit our competition, cause it made us feel like crap about ourselves. I'm okay with it.
6. Again, meh.

So... September is here. I shall attempt the following:
1. Run. Just run. When I want to, where I want to, at my pace. Get back to being the person that I was before, who would run for stress relief and didn't care what other people thought about her pace or ability.

2. Financial plan--get one. People in their late 20's should be more financially responsible than I am.

3. Get healthy. I don't care how much I weigh, I just don't feel right at the moment. Eat better, drink water, limit post-breakup cocktails.

4. Brush my hair at least once a week. The curly look is okay, but I feel like I should look more professional and less like I'm an airhead who doesn't own a hairbrush.

5. Do not cry on my birthday. Repeat: Do. Not. Cry. I am not really having an easy time, and I cry a lot, and I just feel like that's a day that I should not be sad.

Late 20's?

In 26 days I will turn 26.

...

This is not how I envisioned my life would be at the age of 26.

When I was much younger, I thought I would be an architect, married, and have children at this age (I had just seen "Father of the Bride" and thought she totally had the right idea).

A few years ago, I thought I would be a hard-hitting journalist with an amazing career and probably have a super handsome boyfriend who adored me, and would most likely win awards all the time and be awesome.

Last year, I was dating the guy I thought I would marry, and felt like my life had finally turned around after the disasterous events from the year prior. I was in the best shape of my life, and set to run a marathon the following weekend. I really felt like I knew where my life was going, and I was happy with the direction it was headed.

So, here I am... late 20's quickly approaching. I am single, and exceptionally broken hearted, but I know I can live life on my own because I am good at taking care of myself. I have had events in recent days come close to hurting my spirit, but I am trying not to let them. I have a career, and I am very happy with it, even though it is something I never saw myself doing. I feel like I make a difference in people's lives, even though mine is sort of turned upside down at this point. I have my running shoes, and still plan to lace them up and hit the pavement in attempt to figure some things out. Someday, life will make sense.

This isn't how I pictured it.

Frosting.

So, yeah. Things have been happening. I didn't think it was possible to be hurting more than I already was, but then some stuff happened, and I said to myself, "Self, your life is ridiculous sometimes."

I'll handle it. I'm pretty good at handling ridiculousness.

Anyway, that leads to my lack of posting lately. I started taking yoga at this place near my house, and discovered that I am hilarious when attempting to bend in ways that my body does not want to bend. The instructor doesn't seem to find it as funny, but I like her because she constantly makes me try different poses even when I'm scared. I'm doing a trial membership right now, and plan to take advantage of trial memberships all over town to see which yoga studio I like best. I think it might be a good thing to pursue when it's cold and snowing outside.

I ran a local 5K, and while it wasn't my best time ever, it also wasn't my worst. I was proud of myself because I sprinted the last little bit and passed a couple people. I did the best that I could, and that makes me happy.

Hood to Coast = ridiculous. If only I felt like publicizing to the Internet the goings on of my life, you would probably all say to me that I'm silly for running Hood to Coast when I had so much going on, but it was a really good distraction. I spent two days locked in a van (with some close friends, but also some strangers). I ran 17 miles in less than 24 hours. I slept in a field because that's what people do... It was an odd 197 miles. Kind of like what I imagine Woodstock was like, but with a bunch of crazy runners instead of drugs, nudity, and music. So really not like Woodstock at all.

My favorite leg was the middle leg. The first one was hot, flat, and boring for 6 miles. The last leg was hot, hilly, and sucked cause I was exhausted and was ready to be done. The middle leg was 7 miles, and I ran them at 3 a.m. through the middle of a pitch black forest. Particularly creepy because all that I had was a head lamp, reflective vest, and flashy lights on either side and at times I was the only person on the road and no vans were passing by. I also tripped in a pothole, nearly fell off the road into the ditch, and was very close to being hit by a car which I suspect was being driven by a drunk driver. Luckily I am excellent at regaining my balance due to my habit of falling down a lot. Also, a handsome man grabbed me out of the way of the drunk driver (if you're reading this, cute guy that runs faster than me, you should call me. We could go out to dinner and not get hit by cars together. Sounds magical, right?) and I did not die.

Some photo goodness:





Hood to Coast people have this habit of calling people "roadkill" when they pass them, and keeping track of their "roadkill count" and let me just tell you... I was roadkill a lot. Those Hood to Coast people don't mess around. We're talking 7 minute miles. On my middle of the night leg, there was a clearing where people were gathered to cheer on their teams, and when I arrived at that point the teams started chanting, "Kill her! Kill her!" as the girl behind me was trying to pass me. I totally hauled ass and avoided her... until we got past the clearing and no one could see us. Holy hell, she was fast.

So, yes, I did not die. Also, recently Shawna and I went on a road trip to Tour de Fat in Boise and I went out in public looking like this:



Luckily it was a drunken bicycle parade, so people didn't really care. And yes, I rode a bicycle wearing that. What?

For some reason, when I am as down as I have been the past couple days, baking makes me feel better. So yesterday I made gingerbread cupcakes with buttercream frosting and tiny gingerbread men on top. I didn't really want to eat them, I just wanted to make something. And frosting makes me happy, in all it's fluffy glory.

I'm pretty convinced that all of life's problems can be solved with frosting.

Suck.

I fail. I am so not handling this well. I have eye bags bigger than my eyes cause I cry all the time, sometimes in secret so people won't judge me for crying so much.

Tomorrow I'm running a 5k, and it will probably be my slowest 5k ever, but I figure at least it will be a good distraction, right?

Details to follow.

One Month Later

So, a month ago today, I had my heart broken.

I really thought I would be feeling much better at this point. When does that get to happen?

Last night, in attempt to keep my mind off things, I went to a 75 minute power yoga class wherein I accomplished the crow pose for the first time. I followed that up with running for over an hour. It didn't really keep my mind off things, but at least I wasn't on the couch, right?

A girl can only listen to so much Kelly Clarkson. Seriously though, that woman knows what she's talking about.

It sucks that I believed things that turned out not to be true. It really sucks that I let someone have my whole heart and they decided to toss me aside. I know that everyone else has been in this same spot, but it doesn't make me feel any better right now, when I can't stop crying randomly because the guy I thought I would spend my life with hurt me this much. Everyone keeps telling me I deserve better, and that I'll find a guy who will appreciate how awesome I am, but right now I don't believe that.

I'm trying to be myself again, but it's proving to be more difficult than I thought. I feel like everyone expects me to be happy-go-lucky and cracking jokes and being a smart ass like normal, but I just don't feel like myself since this happened. It really came out of the blue for me, and it hit me hard.

At least I still have my running shoes. And Kelly Clarkson.

Random Thursday Thoughts

I just feel a need to say that I love when I get anonymous comments where people tell me I'm funny and like they my blog. It's way better than mean anonymous comments. Whoever you are, anonymous nice person, you rock! Quite frequently I think no one reads this blog (except Becky... and my sisters) and that I'm the only one that finds myself hilarious. So I'm glad that at least one other person thinks I'm moderately entertaining.

I am going camping this weekend, for several days, with a bunch of girls that grew up together and let me come to their reunions cause they adopted me. The lake we are going to was very recently under a toxic algae warning, but that has been lifted--hurray! Still not putting my face under water though. Toxic algae just seems like something that doesn't go away that easily.

Last night I was telling my neighbor ghost stories from my old apartment building, and I scared myself.

On August 19 I am running a 5k, mostly just cause it seemed like a good idea and it involves beer. What good race doesn't involve beer?

I still need a hug, kind of.

Goals for upcoming weeks

1. Run a 5k in approximately 2 weeks, after convincing my running buddy to join me. For funsies.

2. Run Hood to Coast on August 27 & August 28. 19 miles in 2 days. Do not die while completing said goal, and try not to run 15 minute miles due to lung failure.

3. Bounce back. I don't like being in the depths of despair.

4. Purchase a kickass running skirt. Again, for funsies.

5. Kick butt during the last two months of the Biggest Loser contest with Shawna & co.

6. Feel like myself again.

This is normal in my household.

Right now I'm sitting here, watching The Bachelorette, wearing Shawna's green tutu, a silky paisley robe, and holding a plastic sword.

Shawna is cleaning her room, in other words, and I found accessories.

This show is bumming me out a little, cause of all the damn happy and in-love bullcrap.

I spent last weekend at my adopted family's reunion, which was great, and drank beer and camped in a back yard. My best pal took good care of me and held my phone hostage so I wouldn't be too stupid, and let me climb trees. Actually, she let me climb HER so that I could get into the tree to climb it.

I also didn't cry (except for a little) and also hung out with my sister who sang Dixie Chicks songs at the top of her lungs with me in the car, walked on the beach with me, and fed me fro-yo.

Have I mentioned I'm not handling this well?

It's starting...

My aunt just sent me a message on Facebook suggesting I join an online dating site. Apparently her daughter has had a few dates on this very site, and she thinks it would be helpful in my situation.

I've been single for a week.

I am going for a run now.

Ugh.

Tonight I had a giant bowl of ice cream for dinner, and watched a Lifetime movie with Jennifer Love Hewitt as the star.

I'm not proud.

I realize that I'm wallowing, and by wallowing I am letting him win. Sometimes though, wallowing just feels like what needs to happen.

I have a feeling that this one is going to lead to a lot of miles being put on my running shoes. Just as soon as I'm done wallowing.

Things that have cheered me up lately...

1. My coworker (and source of great advice/lots of listening), running down the hallway to my office, yelling, "LESLIE I HAVE THE SOLUTION!" and dragging me to the break room... where someone had left cheesecake for everyone. She proceeded to do a little "happy, cheesecake dance" and then run to find forks. Later she suddenly appeared in my doorway, and said with a look of great thoughtfullness, "So this situation is even more like Ali from The Bachelorette than we originally thought..." before wandering away without waiting for a response.

2. Having friends like Shawna who will know exactly what you need. While I was crying on the couch, she was taking photos out of frames in my bedroom, hiding them from me, buying me Kleenex at 7-11, threatening to hack into my facebook and delete a certain boy, and convincing me that a martini at 11:30 is a great idea. Also, she immediately hates anyone who is mean to me. Also, she gives me alcohol and chocolate, and doesn't hate me yet for crying so much and being no fun to hang out with. And when I forget to eat dinner, she offers to make me chicken salad, buys me ice cream, and lets me take some of her Tylenol PM when I can't sleep.

3. The fact that it is summer, so I have river floating, lots of running, and bbq's to distract me from the fact that I feel like I've been stomped on. Even more hilarious is river floating with Shawna, who runs into rocks and screams, "IT'S A DEAD BODY!!!!"

4. My heterosexual life mate Chelse, who has been in this spot before herself, and lets me call her at whatever time of day I need and cry for hours on the phone. I'm just glad we get to call each other for free, cause last time one of us was in this position we had $400 phone bills (oops). She always tends to know exactly how I feel, even when I'm lying to myself and trying to act bright and cheery and like I'm okay. Also, she doesn't lie to me, and instead says, "Yeah, this will suck. And yeah, you're not handling it well right now." She says it will get better, and I tend to believe her.

5. Blog readers offering to mail me beer. Becky, if that is legal, I would love you forever!

6. All my friends/family who have taken this opportunity to tell me how awesome I am, that I deserve better, take me out to dinner, buy me a drink, and offer to marry me/date me/kick boys in the face. It's good to know that people have my back.

7. Although I am not dealing with this well at all (I'll admit it) my lack of focus has led to hilarious moments like the following:
Client: *Asks question in English*
Me: *Answers question in great detail, in Spanish*
Client: *Looks at me in utter confusion... since they don't speak Spanish*
Me: "Oh, shit."
Someday I'll regain my brain again, right? And my professionalism?

I know things will get better, but they sure suck right now. Where is the fast forward button?

*Insert Golden Girls Theme Song Here*

So, I got dumped.

It was the kind of breakup that led to my gal pals buying me a martini at 11:30 at night while I was in my sweatpants with my hair in a mess cause I had been on my way to bed and got the phone call.

Strangely, it was this very time last summer that I was dealing with a prior breakup. And it broke me. Badly.

I don't want to be broken anymore. Maybe I will just run off my emotions?

I also ran over 7 miles yesterday, and didn't die. So at least my lungs are cooperating when someone breaks my heart.

This sucks.

Confessions of a lackluster blogger

1. Today I had a fortune cookie without a fortune inside. This makes me wonder about my future.

2. I drank 5 beers throughout the course of the day yesterday, and was completely surprised by that fact when I counted the empty beer bottles this morning. Twilight summer ale = delicious

3. I cried through two episodes of "Top Chef" today, and then realized that if I'm going to be a girl and cry for two hours, I should at least do so through something stereotypical like "Steel Magnolias."

4. I have not run more than 3 miles in over 3 weeks. My lungs are trying to kill me.

5. I have thought about blogging several times in recent days, but typing seemed too difficult.

6. I have spent quality time wondering what I would do if I passed Neil Patrick Harris on the street. Do I say hello, and tell him that I have a plate with his face on it, because he's awesome? Or do I just walk by?

7. When I was younger I thought I would have life figured out by the age of 25. Perhaps I will at least have a couple things down when I turn 26 in a couple months?

8. I like to round up when it comes to my age, and have recently been telling people I'm 26. I don't consider that to be a lie.

9. Sometimes, I dream about calling in sick to work and spending the day doing something fun. I have yet to call in unless I'm deathly ill, unfortunately.

10. I often wonder, if people who have passed away can really "look down" and see us, does that mean they look at us naked?

Oh, hey.

I've had a lot going on lately, and no I would not like to talk about it.

I ran away to my bestie's house in Idaho this past weekend, and wandered ghost towns in the middle of nowhere followed by an adventure setting up a kiddie pool in her front yard. I always travel with the kiddie pool--really it just lives in the trunk of my car, but I can't tell you how many times it has been useful.

We set it up. We sat in it. We drank beer. We talked. And her giant black lab thought it was a great idea and decided to join us, and laid down in it. Hilarity ensued.

Sometimes, that's just what a girl needs.

Clarification

I do not intend to lose 43 pounds in 12 weeks. I plan to lose however much weight I manage to lose in 12 weeks, but not the whole whopping 43 pounds. That's just my ultimate goal... I would be happy with 12 pounds!

I cannot be blamed for any crazy things I write at the moment. I'm sick. And probably crazy. It's the cold medicine talking... My bronchial tubes are on steroids.

I just ate a vegetable sandwich with jalepeños. My father claims they cure all ailments. We shall see...

Well, damn.

So, this one morning I woke up and stepped on the scale, and discovered I had gained 35 pounds.

Clearly, this did not happen in a day. But I finally realized that 35 pounds is a substantial amount of weight. Not that I hadn't realized that 25 pounds ago, but my little friend named denial was being a bad influence.

I blame this one several things:

1. Post-marathon slump. Yes, it is still a slump, until I say it isn't a slump. I accomplished this huge goal and then went, "What now?" What now turned out to be a lot of not working out as hard as I have been. Yes, I realize I ran a marathon almost a year ago. Shut up.

2. New boyfriend = lots of eating. Eating out, eating ice cream, saying to myself, "I don't need to run, I don't need to work out, I will do it tomorrow" because I was cuddling on the couch and watching a movie. Problem is, we've now been dating for almost a year so that excuse doesn't work anymore, damn it.

3. New roommate Shawna. You see, Shawna and I love snacks like lime tortilla chips and oreos. And fro yo. And clearly we need to transform that love into a love of bicycling and hiking and being active instead of watching episodes of "Big Love" and eating snacks. When we didn't see each other as often, our love of food that is bad for us was not a problem--but we see each other every day now. Oops.

So, there we have it. I got a little fatter. Now I must re-lose it, so that my pants fit. I kept thinking to myself, "Oh, this isn't a problem, I will be fine." But it is a problem for me, because I don't want to buy new clothes and I feel unhealthy. My health is the reason I lost 75 pounds in the first place, and I felt the best I have ever felt.

As a result of all this, Shawna and I have formulated our very own "Biggest Loser" contest, wherein we are competing for 12 weeks to see how much weight we can lose. As of right now, I would like to lose 43 pounds, because that would put me at 137 which is the highest of the ideal weight range for my height. I don't know that it is the best idea to lose 43 pounds in 12 weeks, so it might take me longer to lose all that, but I'm going to give it a go.

Someday, I will wear my pants again.

My lung hurts.

Only the left lung hurts today, which is a plus.

I am sick.

Probably the sickest I remember being in a very long time.

I want some soup and someone to make me tea.

I am a whiny bitch when I am sick.

The doctor won't let me run for at least a week, and I find that very boring.

Note to self... do not run while sick.

Did I mention I'm ill? I have the cold from hell, and last night it began to hurt my lungs to breathe, and even more so when I cough. I was feeling horrible all day at work, but I'm stubborn and like to pretend like I am fine.

My day started like this:



It continued like this:



Which led to this:



With a final dose of this:



It took me WAY too long to run that 13.1 miles today--like I was seriously sucking it up, but I was pushing myself as hard as I could. I just couldn't breathe! Shortly upon my arrival home, my sister made me go to urgent care where lovely things happened like an x-ray of my chest to see if I have pneumonia.

Plus note: I do not have pneumonia. Sad note: I have a bad viral infection, and the doctor was very mad at me for having run a half marathon that morning. What can I say, I am hardcore. Either that, or foolish.

Now I have inhalers that I am supposed to use every few hours, and I had to do weird breathing treatments. Also, I still feel like crap.

Also, I am not allowed to run or do any aerobic activity for at least a week, per my doctor. She's very strict, and finds me very ridiculous.

At least I finished, right?