The perfect man: a Valentine's Day edition

Shawna and Leslie's list of criteria for the ideal man:

Mandatory requirements:
1. Must drive a pickup truck...preferably a dirty, old, manly one. Not like a dirty old man, but you know, a dirty pickup truck with tools in the back, shredded up tires from mudding, and an aura of manliness.

2. Handy: we don't want no stinkin' sissy man who can't fix stuff. That doesn't help us at all. Also, he must be able to open jars and reach things from tall shelves.

3. Chivalrous: apparently we are both very old-fashioned and enjoy having doors opened. He should be protective but not in the creepy, lock a girl in a tower sort of way--more in the protect-a-girl-from-a-creepy-cheese-loving-waiter type of way.

4. No girly hands allowed.

5. Sense of humor required, and ability to understand sarcasm is a must. Clearly, he should be able to hold a conversation so that we don't get bored.

6. Smells like a meadow of manliness on a rainy day full of showers of masculinity. That sounds disgusting, but you'd be surprised at the appeal.

7. He must carry a pocketknife because those are always useful--for cutting bitches (oh, but he shouldn't be violent) and for whittling things and opening hot dog packages. That's really important...we hate when you can't open hot dogs.

8. Outdoorsy: he doesn't necessarily have to skin a deer with his bare hands, but should be able to tear down a tree with his powerful thighs in a single bound.

9. Deep voice: much like that of Josh Turner, sex god.

10. Good with children, but not in a pedophile way... more like in a fatherly sort of way.

Suggestions:
1. Willing to learn to make delicious cupcakes, and able to dance so that he may teach us...yet still secure in his sexuality.

2. Should not be on probation for cocaine charges, still living with his parents at the age of 30, or use the words "styling" and "jangled" on a regular basis... we're looking at you, creepy waiter of yesterday.

3. Good speller.

4. Political tendencies should not veer to the extreme in either direction. He should not be racist or make inappropriate jokes toward others because that is obviously unfriendly and lame.

Bonus qualities:
1. Rock star tendencies.

2. Loves green olives and mustard.

3. Can produce Shawna's ideal children: a French daughter and a British son. This, of course, does not apply to Leslie's ideal man because that would be odd and a little creepy if he were producing children with Shawna.

4. Both of our ideal men can be friends and/or related so that we can hang out together a lot.

5. Can chug a beer without stopping. It's just impressive. Oh, and faster than Shawna... that is a feat in itself.

6. Shawna likes boys with glasses...but not Dwight Schrute-esque.

7. Dog person. A single man with a cat is just a little too weird for us. Also, men with tiny, girly dogs need not apply.

8. Shawna's man must build her a treehouse and then propose to her in it...and getting on one knee is a requirement.

Through our list making adventure we have discovered that we are both rather rural and old-fashioned. Ironically, Leslie's feminist and exceptionally liberal ways are sort of contradicted by her list of criteria. Oops! Now if only we could find a couple men to fulfill this requirements, we could do fun things like play Edward 40 Hands and take ballroom dancing classes.

Happy Valentine's Day!