I keep having these nightmares, and as a result I am not sleeping very soundly lately. It's terribly unsettling. And it makes me sleepy a lot. Anyhow, I feel very silly about all of the not sleeping because I am of the opinion that I should not be affected by things and instead I should be a rock-solid force of nature who isn't ever afraid or sad or upset. It would be so convenient if that were true.
It's like I'm exhausted when I'm awake and trying to be productive, and can hardly keep my eyes open, but as soon as my head hits the pillow I'm wide awake again. If I do manage to fall asleep, I promptly have crazy dreams and wake up in a panic. Clearly, I am mentally unbalanced or something. I feel like people think I should be over this, that I'm silly to have quit my job and moved away, that it isn't something that should still be stressing me out. I don't feel that I'm in imminent danger anymore, but I can't seem to get these experiences out of my mind. Even when I go running I start thinking too much. Runs used to be my time to zone out, let my mind wander, clear my thoughts. Lately I've been running and thinking so much that I almost start to panic. Why, oh why, do I have to be such a girl about this?
I've always been the "funny, fat friend" to a lot of people in my life, I think. I'm used to being the one who cracks jokes, who cheers other people up, who doesn't take life too seriously. But for some reason, I can't seem to deal with my stupid emotions right now and I have no idea what to do about it. I met up with a friend last night who also recently left her job (she was laid off, though) and we were discussing how unsettling it is to not know what direction your life is going to take. I told her I was glad that I knew someone else in exactly the same spot, even if I do feel horrible for her situation. At least I have company for my pity party!
The stupidest things are still making me jump, and I feel so ridiculous. Nothing truly bad happened to me--so many people in the world have dealt with way worse situations, and I feel like I should just be over this already. My sister, who was not yet aware of the whole "I can't sleep and am having nightmares because I'm a freak who overreacts" thing, was visiting me in my cozy RV setup and said, "Does it freak you out at night when you can see cars going by and the shadows make it look like someone is walking up to your trailer?" Well it sure as heck does now. I was halfway through "New Moon" last night (damn you, addictive adolescent novels) and froze in terror because it looked like a very large man (or werewolf) was approaching.
They weren't though. And my grumpy dog looked pissed when I woke her up to protect me, and just rolled over and went back to sleep. Some help she is. I feel silly and dramatic. And I'm writing this because I hope a year from now I can read this entry and realize that I have moved on and am a stronger person because of all of this.
I worry though, that I'm not.
Monday, February 23, 2009
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2 comments:
I feel so bad now!!! I was just thinking out loud, you shouldn't listen to anything I say! I'm sorry I pointed that out! You should have focused on other things I said this weekend, like the dogs having issues with the gender or how high school musical is lying to children about what high school is about. Those are way better things to think about! :)
Dude, it's totally understandable that you would still be a little skittish. I also have a theory that February makes everyone a little more nutty than they would be otherwise. Probably because it's the worst month of the year, thus why it's the shortest. *hugs*
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