Last night, I remembered some things about being me. I decided to go for a run, mainly because I obligated myself to run a 5k on December 4 (thanks, Gabe and Chelse, otherwise I would have sat on the couch). For the first time in awhile, I felt like myself again.
Over the past few months, I've had some serious roadblocks when it came to running. Sometimes it was physical pain, sometimes it was emotional pain, sometimes it was just the inability to motivate myself. I let myself fall into the trap of not caring enough about myself to be healthy, and feeling like I wasn't worth much. That's not a place I would like to be again.
So I set out last night, on a pleasant evening with cool fall temperatures. Leaves are changing so I was surrounded by oranges and reds, and a pretty sunset. My feet hit the pavement in rhythm, and for 4 miles, I was able to just be me. And I was happy.
I've tried to experiment with group running events, and running with friends, and while I enjoy it, for some reason it just isn't the same as a run by myself where I have time to think. Last night I thought about love, and loss, and how even if I don't feel anything ever again to the degree that I felt previously, at least I am capable of loving that much. I thought about work, and the raise I got yesterday, and what color to paint my toenails, and about how I measure my feelings for a guy by the amount of tingling I feel in my toes when he kisses me. And how that's probably why I should change the way I choose which men to allow in my life. I thought about pumpkins, and how my pants don't fit except for one pair, and how I'm kind of okay with that right now since at least I have been able to get out of bed and go to work. I thought about cowboys, and cocktails, and about how much I love Katy Perry lately. I listened to breakup anthems, and silently thanked Keith Urban for ever recording the song "Stupid Boy." I thought about friendship, and how I'm glad I have people in my life that will send me lists of songs I should listen to while I'm feeling this way, because it really does help. I thought about making drastic hair decisions and how I should probably do something reckless, because if I'm going to be reckless, now is the time to do it. Mostly, I just thought.
Before I knew it, 4 miles had flown by. And I felt stronger than I have in awhile. I felt more like me--and that is why I run.
1 comment:
Huzzah! I'm like you, I run to think. I get all kinds of distracted when there are people with me.
You totally will feel that again and, when its the right dude, it'll blow you away because it'll be BIGGER and BETTER than you ever even imagined! And then he will leave his socks someplace annoying and gross and you will STILL feel that way!
You know what song I like? That Carrie Underwood Cheater-type song. SO GOOD!
I have a friend who swears by Ani Difranco for these things, too. Listen to "Napolean."
Go for the hair, too! I did that once!
I've been assigned to the treadmill recently b/c the weather has been craptastic(UGHHH) and lemme tell you what makes 6 miles fly...watching the Phillies in the playoffs! HOO RA!
You're awesome!
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