9 weeks

Little things make me feel a twinge lately. A little glimmer of heartache creeps into my every thought, a little pang of worry is always there, and a tiny piece of me was frozen forever in a time when I didn't have to feel this way.

It's hearing that others have reached a milestone that I could have been at. It's wondering what I could have done differently. It's wondering if I'll ever get a chance to do things the right way. It's seeing people I care about going through major life events and wondering if it will ever be me. Or if I'm being punished. Or what I did to deserve the things that have been happening to me.

I can't explain how I feel to anyone. Once upon a time, I used to be a writer, and I can't even write about this... So this is my attempt to let some of it out, to put it into words and see if it helps.

In the past two years, I have had a lot of major events happen. I left my career, and I thought I would never recover from the fear that caused me to flee. Still, I made it, and I found a new career, but the memory is still there. I still think about those terrifying minutes that changed my life when I'm doing something so innocent as watching a scary movie with Shawna. I still have nightmares sometimes. I think I have bounced back, but I still hold something from that time period inside of me and always will.

This year, I found myself without the person I thought would love me forever. Even worse, I lost something I didn't know I had, and I don't really know how I should let that affect me. Everyone goes through breakups, sure, but this summer was about so much more than just a breakup. Instead of holding memories inside of me, I feel like a part of me is gone now. A few moments made me lose a tiny piece of my heart--it's like it was patched together to begin with, probably with duct tape, and now a little corner has crumbled off. What happened before wasn't anything I had a choice in, but this feels like it's my fault. If I could have done something differently, he wouldn't have left. If I had been more careful, I wouldn't be going through the things I am going through right now.

I've been told that I don't deserve the things that are happening to me lately, but part of me thinks that I do. That if I were more caring, more compassionate, more something... Perhaps people think I should be moving on and in a different place in life already, but I can't tell people the parts of the story that might explain why I'm stuck. Why there is a tiny piece of me missing forever.

The way that I am feeling lately is about so much more than just losing a boyfriend. It's about a type of loss I had never felt before, and being completely broken, and letting something affect my spirit so much that sometimes I'm not sure that I know how to fight my way back. It's difficult, trying to be a woman, especially when most of the time I still feel like a girl. But now I have those little pinpricks of emotion to remind me that a singular event aged me in ways I cannot explain. My shoulders droop a little more, my eyes are a tiny bit bluer after crying for hours, and forever there will be this thing that makes me remember what could have been. This summer was a season that changed me in ways that I can't take back.

I guess there will always be a twinge.