Things only a fat girl understands

I kept trying to think of something interesting to write about today, all the while whining to a friend about how I’m having a “fat day,” when I realized that a fat day is a pretty interesting topic in itself. I have always been overweight and firmly believe that there are things in life that naturally thin people just don’t understand. You know how Kate Winslet has been quoted as saying something like, “Once a fat kid, always a fat kid” or whatever her actual quote is? I love her. We should be best friends. My inner fat kid totally still lives on—and she is often a stupid whore.

For the record, I know I am only slightly overweight. I know I can’t gain 10 pounds overnight (nor did I, but I feel like I did). But you know the days that you wake up and don’t feel like yourself? That’s today for me. I’m bloated, and cranky, and after a quick glance at my calendar I have also realized this is all due to biology and so I’m totally allowed to have a fat day today. Suck on that, hormones!

As a result of thinking about how weird it is that I label a few days each month as my “fat days,” I have compiled a list of things that I’m pretty sure only fat girls really understand:

1. Fat days: a day in which you feel fatter even while still logically understanding (sometimes) that you are the same size as yesterday. Often due to hormones or the quality/quantity of food ingested prior to the fat day, these fat days are silly and you should all just ignore them.

2. Chub rub: the act of chafing that occurs due to bare thighs rubbing together. Often this leads to abandonment of clothing items like shorts or skirts, but can be easily remedied with baby powder, Vaseline, or hardcore lotion. My sister has just informed me that wearing shorts under skirts helps, and I am rather sad that I didn’t find this out until today. Chub rub is a very unpleasant sensation and makes it even more satisfying to sit with your legs wide open in an unladylike manner while saying, “Ahhhhhh….” Don’t lie, you’ve done it.

3. Girdles: devices of torture designed to constrict areas of the body (frequently the tummy) that were obviously designed by a masochist. Personally, I’m a fan of letting it all hang out.

4. The non-chair sit: how to make it look like you're sitting while actually not putting any weight on the tiny chair someone gave you for fear of turning it into kindling—as described by my sister, who is hilarious. My response: “That’s a skill, right there. And requires some hardcore thigh muscles.” I’ve also employed this technique when someone offers to let you share half of their chair (HA!) or sit on their lap.

5. The locker room change: the act of changing (in rapid succession and often while contorting in strange manners) so as to avoid having anyone see your body while you are completely naked. A frequent method involves putting on one shirt while simultaneously removing the other, and is something I mastered during middle school gym class. This is also an addition from my sister (she’s clever) who pointed out that this can also apply to girls with poor body image and low self-esteem. Also, prudish people who don’t like to be naked in front of others. There’s nothing wrong with nudity, but there’s also nothing wrong with not wanting to parade around naked, people.

6. The fat girl camera angle: always from above, at a downward angle, so as to avoid pesky double chin shots. Photos taken from below, at an upward angle, are to be promptly burned and never thought of again.

7. The non-jiggly wave goodbye: the act of waving while holding your upper arm close to your side so as to avoid “getting the bingo wings going” as my sister just described it.

8. The need for industrial strength sports bras: enough said (addition by the sister: “Skinny girls with big racks can commiserate with that one.”)

So there you have it. Live on, inner fat girl! Just try to be a little nicer to yourself, okay? And no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner.