Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone.

Yesterday was the 9th anniversary of my sister's death. I was driving in my car when James Taylor's "Fire and Rain" came on the radio, and I started crying and thinking about how much I still miss and love Heather so much.

It's hard to believe that so many years have passed since that terrible night I found out that she'd died in a car crash. It was a Wednesday, the night of Party of Five's series finale. I remember because my sister had wanted me to tape it for her since she would be working late, and I was upset because the cable had went out. I never did find out what happened at the end of that show.

I remember going to school the next day because I couldn't bear being in that lonely house and witnessing my mother's broken heart. I remember crying in the bathroom and getting a nosebleed from blowing my nose too much. And then I remember telling my best friend what had happened in the hallway outside of biology class while she hugged me and cried, too. Attending my sister's funeral was the one day I missed of high school.

After all these years, I realize I will never stop mourning the loss of a life with my sister. Who would we have been today in 2009? She would have been 35... Next year I will be the age that she was when she died. I mourn not knowing her in my adult years and the deeper friendship that we could have had as we grew older together. Would I have turned into an entirely different person had my big sister been around to give me advice on dating, careers, and what not? I miss the idea of who I might have been, who we might have been together.