S is for Saturday... and sweatpants.

I'm at work right now, taking a break from paperwork to write a blog, and wearing my sweatpants. There are benefits to working overtime on the weekend when no one else is here (except for the fact that someone else was here, and saw me dressed like this, which is awkward).

I'm also reading "rockstar diaries" which I am newly obsessed with, drinking coffee, and listening to Carrie Underwood. I'm really bad at working overtime, it seems. All I really want to do is curl up on my lovely purple couch, with my snuggie, and take a nap.

Last night Shawna and I had a bunch of people over for game night, and they were all discussing something that happened to one of their coworkers. It's something that recently happened to me as well, and my heart hurts for this woman. I feel like my heart shouldn't be allowed to hurt, and since our situations are different, I feel guilty for comparing our circumstances at all. But I know on some degree what she is feeling, and I wish that I could take that feeling away for her.

All I could do was sit there, in silence, and be sad inside, but not in a way that I could let other people see. Because I can't allow myself to be sad, or grieve, because I think it was my fault. And I think that no one really gets that.

It's one of those things that I don't think you can really get, until it happens. It's not something I can talk about to people, and although I've told people closest to me (and a few others, just at random), it's not something I can explain or process.

One of my coworkers learned about recent events in my life, and left me a letter in my mailbox at work. All it contained was an essay, with a note at the end that said, "I have been there. And I'm sorry."

It made me burst into tears, and we never talked about it, except when I e-mailed her and said, "Thank you. That meant more to me than you know." She wrote back. "Dude--anytime."

I think she gets it.

Probably, I need therapy. And a hug. And a nap. And my snuggie. But all I have is this stack of paperwork, and my Saturday of hanging out in my office in my sweatpants.

I'll feel better about this someday, right?